I kinda thought that I'd be better off by myself
I've never been so wrong before
You made it impossible for me to ever
Love somebody else
And now I don't know what I left you for
See I thought that I could replace you
He can't love me the way you do
'Till now I never knew
I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled
I tried to tell myself that I'd be over you in a week or two
But baby that was 'bout a year ago
I've never seen the word love so personified as I do with you
And that is why I just can't let go, oh no
And I would only be fooling myself if I tried to
Believe there's room for someone else in my heart
There ain't no way I'm getting over you
I don't know what I've been trying to prove
I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you
-Spoiled by Joss Stone.
Let's go thru line-by-line Literature style....
Long story short.
Saturday, 4th February 2006 - around 1730hrs @ Tanglin Mall's McDonalds. Ghaz & I queued up to have take-outs. We were just chatting about the rain & straws when suddenly I turned around & saw my ex, Hisham. He saw me 1st & smiled at me then asked me what's on my face cos I had this pink temp tattoo. We talked like old buddies, I wished him Happy Belated Birthday and then, he left cos he was just having break-out from work...
In reality.
Why do I love him before? I hated him before I ever loved him. Today, he was just standing behind me & how coincidental? Ghaz whispered to me, I turned around to see him off & I saw him turning to look at me. What went through his mind? I am just glad to see him a day after his bday though... Mebbe cos I wanna wish him face-to-face... What hurts me is that he smoked... He promised not to smoke anymore because of his throat infections thingy... I deleted his contact, thought that I could forget him... But all the more, it makes me think a lot of him... Not that I still love him... Mebbe cos I still care about him... There is still a part of him in my life tho... My mom just can't ever forget him which somehow I don't understand why... His gifts for me are still lying around in my room tho it will take time for me to find them... His photographs are still intact in my photo album... I remembered the time when we broke up... At 1st, I was completely numb, a few days later I became angry easily & then I started crying a few weeks later on... It has been 2 years now, and I tried to forget about it 2 days ago when his bday was drawing near... I swore not to wish him but somehow, my itchy fingers start typing madly away to him... Is this just a feeling of loneliness or pure desperation? Was he looking at me or did he look at the door?
In my heart.
Used to write in my classic diary about him breaking up with me. He sees no future in us. I used to blame him for ditching me, but now, I blame myself for hating him. Now, I realised why I'm not accepting any guys, because there are still traces of him in my heart. I wanna shake it off. I find lovey-dovey couples a turn off. Because why didn't it happen to me when I was with him? Why didn't I respond to him? Why didn't I spend time with him? Why did his mom disapprove us and why she approves his current girlfriend? What differences? Is it still possible for the both of us to be back together? But, I don't wanna stuck with the same guy all my life.. But will other guys accept me too? Or, the question is
WILL I ACCEPT ANY GUYS?
Current situation.
A guy wanna get to know me- I am not interested. A guy I have a crush on- I am deciding on the fact and the fiction. A guy who is already attached- I am worried. Adam tells me I am picky. I am not picky; I realised my true instinct now. Touching or not touching. I am very all chained up. I keep thinking all about me. It's all about me all the time. People out there are worried about my well-being. Me, being down & unjustified. Me, being lost & sad. Me, being lonely & desperate. Am I playing along with life or too busy with life? Why can't I just move on? Why do I love guys? Do guys love me? I know some of my guy friends look up to me as being tomboyish. I am one. But, I've got feelings too... A girly type of feeling... I may be a nymphomaniac. But, I've got feelings too... A decent loving type of feeling... There's a barrier in my situation... When can this ever end? Why is it that the guys I know will always ask me the same question like "how many ex-boyfriends do you have?"... Why is it seem so important?
Concluding point.
People who are close to me can see right through me easily than me. I can't even tell myself. I am not being myself lately. My friend keep asking me the same question cos she's worried about me. My friends are more worried about me and wonder if I'm doing well. Where the hell do I begin? I confuse myself more than I confuse people with all my confusing words. I cannot express myself. If I were to move on again, will I accept things that changes around me? I don't care about the future, whether I succeed or not, what's important now is to put myself together like a complete piece of jigsaw puzzle. But for now, I have the missing pieces...
"I tried to tell myself that I'd be over you in a week or two"
Will I do so? Will I ever make it?
"There ain't no way I'm getting over you"
Is it possible to get over him?
"Don't want to live without you in my life"
He was there to help me up when life was incomplete. Will I move on by myself?
"I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you"
Yes! I believe it is true! Completely!
Asking yourself now, if you're in the same situation.
Why do you love the person you love most now? Do you express it everyday? If you have a crush on someone now, what do you do next? If someone likes you, will you avoid it or let it all flow? Why is it hard to say goodbye????
I tried so hard to say goodbye.
