"It just makes you float like butterflies, give you butterflies in your stomach and see butterflies on a sunny day... Love is just a beautiful thing..."
- extracted from 'Army of Lovers', February 23rd 2006.
Have you ever imagined how friends can become lovers in the end? The rest is up to God to decide.
Everytime it feels good, it hurts sometimes.
Remember I said: "The first step to romance is friendship. The last step to everlasting romance is friendship. In the middle, it depends up to you" in my previous post.
Never did I knew that it was all in front of my eyes. Why all the time I clung on to him? Why all the time I was sticking to him? When all the time he hated me so much... I did not know it... Because I treated him like a normal friend, whom of course I cared most. But, I remembered I didn't really hang around with him much often. But at that moment, I was always the one supporting him. Little did I knew that he have some grudges & hatred in him.
Life is so weird. I am so in love. But it felt so wrong sometimes. Everytime it feels good, it hurts sometimes. Everytime I see his face, my heart smiles. Never a day passes by he isn't there by my side. All I could recall is I was being really mean to him. My mouth has a mind of its own. It doesn't stop... It lacks EQ... I recalled always making him angry/hurt/sad. I'm always the one offending him.. Always the one who coax him... Funnily enough, I didn't expect all these would happen.
I read most of my previous posts, and I often wrote about relationships, guys & loneliness. Little did I know that I was having a hidden meaning in all my posts. I recalled one of the post, I wrote about what type of guy I want... Surprised, it was what he have now... *Go find the post yourself, poopies!* Relationship-wise, I am rather a loner one... Love changes people.. It takes time... True that guys just feel insecured around noisy girls... *Guffaws*...
This guy, is really amazing... He was the very first guy I talked to on the first day of school and at the end of the 1st day of school... Weird as can be... Why did I talk to him at the first place? Why didn't I approach my other classmates? I remembered walking in to class, saw everyone looking at me (I was a bit late!) and I just turned to him: "Is this seat taken? Can I sit here?"... All he gave me was a look, maybe it's a "Okay, you can..." look. I didn't know... At the end of the day, I saw him at the canteen, alone. So I just approached him, sat down & chatted with him... He talked about his favourite stuff.. Though he was a tad too hard to hold a conversation at first, he wasn't a boring guy, he was so interesting that I just wanna get to know him well.
I recalled the day I was a bit too jealous of him because of the way he presented. He had this wonderful vocabulary and English language. I thought he was some Eurasian kid, cos I didn't really know his full name... Day to day, he was making me jealous because of his talents. But, ever since he lashed out some attacks on me during lessons, I began to hate him cos I felt like he had something against me and I hated his attitude. We didn't interact much though. Once, we went for breakfast as a class. We chatted like we didn't care, we laughed like we didn't care... He was damn funny... Everybody loves him of course...
Slowly, that feeling of hate just increased because of the way people treated me and him. But, I know that he's my classmate and I shouldn't be feeling any hatred. I recalled telling myself: "Why is it that I always ended up being hated by guys? Is it because of my attitude? Am I that tomboy?" Somehow, some guys treat me well and I can so click with them. But just this one fella who was such a tough nut. He was like a walnut, hard to crack. I recalled my classmate dissing my work and saying how talented he was compared to me. Of course, I was freaking angry, sad & jealous. What can I say? I didn't have any interaction with him at all. When we were separated, I felt so sad because somehow, I felt like I lost my way without him. He was the source of all interactions, inspirations and conversations. He was like the road map to me... I was really lost without him.
However, I tried to be a nice person because I didn't know him that well so why should I kill him? Day to day, I began visiting his class... The most memorable was the day when I came to school with a brain new haircolour & striking green shirt... He was like, "What the...? Woooaaah..." (of course not only him!) But I can still remember his reaction vividly, when I came into the class to show off my new hair... It was funny, yet it felt good to actually grab his attention... We started to become close (because of you know what I know) and it seemed like everyday, without fail he came to visit me... I recalled, the days when he came to visit my class for fun or for something, I felt super delirious and it's like my heart jumped for joy seeing his face... I didn't know why that feeling, but it was like, "everytime I see your face, my heart smiles..."
Though he dissed me all the time, though he spends time with me, there was a barrier... A lot of barriers... Till one very day... I was totally smittened over him... With others reactions about us two together, it somewhat made me feel like I was a part of him... Having known his background, and all... I felt I was part of his life, without him knowing... Of course I had my own resource... Weird as can be people might think... It was weird... But I try to swallow the fact that we were just friends at the moment, though I had sudden urge to show him off to the world and say: "This is my most amazing boyfriend!" He's a bit strange, a bit different but he was special... I was spending so much time with him that never a day I felt bored of him... I made him laugh, I made him cry, I made him angry, I made him punched the wall... But I didn't know that deep down in my heart, I was actually so concerned about him... It was more of a "I care about you because I love you" rather than "I love you because I care for you"... See the difference?
I am grateful to have him by my side now.
He shot me down a few times... Almost killed me with emotions... But with just one bloody confession, it almost drove me to tears... I was on the verge of crying... As much as I want him by my side, as much as I need him by my side, as much as I wanna love him forever, I know that it could have been told long ago... I felt sad when he is sad... I felt sad when he is angry... I felt sad when he is hurt... It is wrong to coax a crying man? But I wanna see him happy... All the time... He filled my world with laughters & tears... I endured torture from him... From all the bruises he gave me... Never a time I wanna walk out on him (not cos I've got no one else) because I will be lost without him... There's no words to explain, describe it... It just a simple fact... I need him... I need you... To wipe off my tears, to temper my temper or simply tease me... I've never allowed any other guys be so close to me before...
Like the song, 'Beautiful Disaster' by Kelly Clarkson:
"Oh and I don’t know... I don’t know what he’s after. But he’s so beautiful, Such a beautiful disaster. And if I could hold on, through the tears and the laughter... Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster... He’s soft to the touch, but afraid at the end he breaks. He’s never enough and still leaves more than I can take..."
Thought of all my love for you, sometimes makes me wanna cry. Realize all my blessings, I'm grateful to have you by my side...
Thank you very much for being part of my life. No other can replace your love and dedication from you to me. I may be a hard person to work with, to understand or/and I do not listen much. All I want you to know is that you are a wonderful and special to me, and I'm prepared for what the future may bring.
