Of all the lonely nights I spent yearning for someone to come and rescue me from the fallen stones, I am overjoyed to believe in love even though I had not feel the realness of the love yet.
I went through 2 diaries which I kept during my secondary school days.
How coincidental to find what life was in my secondary school. Not as if I am that old. But speaking about love life. I find myself so predictable. Maybe I am not meant to have a long term romance. Most of my love stories ended tragically. If it ain't about broken hearted, it is about rejections.
*if you think you'll get sick of reading this lovey-dovey edition,
'x' is on the right*
I guess it's because my heart is not open up yet? I guess it's because of my behaviour? I guess it's not time yet? I guess it's because I am not really searching for the right one?
Whatever it is, I know I am a freak in a way or another. Guys run away from me. Or did I chase them away? Each time I had a crush on somebody, it will turn out a groundzero.
Reading thru my diary, I realised how my love life is very strikingly similar... I fall, I communicate, I fell off, I never got up again... The worst hit was the time I had a crush on my long-time classmate, and "silence kills" us so much that I had to send him a letter to tell him my feelings and that I didn't want our friendship to end that way. Thankfully, we remained as friends up till today! *phew* I love him, as a friend!
I guess it was infatuations, but I fell for their personality. Not because of their looks (half of the guys I liked had no looks!) and I remembered this fellow camper had a crush on me, but another guy liked me too. He was a year younger than me, but I wasn't afraid to go further.
Oh my gawd....
I realised how my life is really changing! I am really loaded and ready to explode...
Each time I lose the guy I like or I like the person, I tend to lose myself too...
I feel that I totally lost the different side of myself; the chirpy, crappy & noisy side of Jannah. If it is love the reason of it all, then, why am I not being myself? I lost myself!
Dear Diary,
If I could turn back the hands of time, I wanna see myself loving myself rather than I see and feel myself losing myself. I am not being myself all the while. The problem with me is the way I am treating my life. I am suffering by myself, I am suffering on my own and I make myself suffer. If this is depression for being desperate, why am I losing control? I understand how Adam and Rain felt all along now, I lost myself to love and I lost my personality when I am in love or fell out of love.
`the pistol is locked & loaded. get ready to die.
